The Office: Kitchen Freebies

The paradigm is well established in my office: If there’s anything you don’t want but can’t bear to throw away, bring it to work to share with your less discriminating co-workers. Just stick on a post-it note declaring the item “FREE!” and plop it on the shelf in the kitchen, the one site everyone is sure to monitor regularly because that’s also where the snacks show up. Dollar-store hand cream, Kenny Rogers CDs, discount coupons, even Christmas decorations—all make for great pickin’s. The implicit message is clear: “My colleagues have such low standards, someone is sure to want my crap.” Kind of like a garage sale, only no quarters are required.

Castoffs from desk reorganizations—cracked stacking trays, ancient calculators, linty Office Max mouse pads and all manner of outdated filing system tools—used to make a regular appearance, but these proved so unpopular that they now go straight to the circular file. On the other hand, if edible, the leavings can be quite popular: the gloppy bean dip left over from a weekend party, the Smarties from the Halloween candy, the picked-over bagel halves (always the raisin ones) from a meeting. These don’t require any kind of signage, as any food item seems to disappear without prompting. I swear someone actually finger-licked the perfectly good chocolate sprinkles out of the bottom of a so-called “empty” donut bag. Ahem.

So it wasn’t too remarkable when the other day, a bottle of Bath and Body Works Sensual Body Lotion—jasmine vanilla scent—appeared in the ladies’ room, just sitting there on the ledge above the sink, someone’s castoff. By placing it in the restroom instead of the kitchen, it was clear that the anonymous donor intended it for use by all of us undermoisturized female cubicle dwellers. But the word “sensual” in the name invited closer scrutiny. “Awaken your senses … relaxes the mind and inspires sexy self-confidence,” the fine print read. “Breathe deeply for best results.”

Now, mind you, mine is a distinctly religious work environment. One where “sexy self-confidence” is not de rigeur. One where “awakened senses” might actually get you hauled up by Human Resources. And anyway, do they really want us relaxing our minds at work? Well, I squirted out a little of the lotion on the back of my hand and rubbed it in, just to test it, and immediately regretted it. Not because every male from four floors suddenly sprang wolflike from the elevators. (Note to HR: Unfortunately, that did NOT happen.) But the stuff does reek intensely. And linger. Let’s just say that deep breathing would not be prudent.

When I walked into my office the next morning I found the Sensual Body Lotion on my desk with a post-it note attached: “FREE!” Obviously someone WAS overcome by my sexy self-confidence.